Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize