I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Randomize
