Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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