Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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