party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
