i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize