so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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