Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
