And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
