textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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