just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Who died my cat blue again?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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