i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
