WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it because I queefed?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
