So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
