if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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