at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm gonna fight the coyote
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
