What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
