After last night, I could never be a politician.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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