Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
