I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
