i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
