Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
