my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
it's great music for shaving your balls
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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