Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
