so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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