Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
