a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
