I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
