she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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