he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
