i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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