You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
