Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
