pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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