She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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