I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
