I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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