it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
