doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
