all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
