i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize