you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
