i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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