when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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