when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
