i need an iv and a liver transplant
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
