At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
