Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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