The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
