Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
