Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
