I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
