I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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