nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize