you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize