i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
